No Joke of Dinner

I am not humored.

This is NOT a joke.

This REALLY happened to me, and I am NOT in the least bit amused.

This evening we were about to enjoy dinner on our back porch...Eric had cooked hotdogs and was bringing the goodies from the house outside...

G had helped himself to a hotdog and had decided to take it to the playhouse to eat. At first this annoyed me because the rest of us were sitting at the table, but I decided it was okay and not to get worked up about it. The dogs were following him out to the yard, and I figured he would eventually receive a natural consequence - one of them eating his food - for not sitting with us.

That is when I look up from doctoring my own hot dog to see my son with a hotdog in one hand and his boy part (that resembles a hotdog) exposed in his other hand!

I was flabbergasted! So, I shout, "Put your penis away, son!"

He, as he often does, looks at me as if I am an idiot speaking Greek to him! So, I feel inclined to repeat myself louder and slower, "Put your penis away, son!"

That is when he obliges with my wishes, says "okay".. and takes another giant bite of his hotdog.

Eric walks back outside as I get up to go in the house to get a cool drink. As I brush past him I say, "You are going to need to deal with your son...He just had his boy part out in the middle of the yard, and I do not know what in the world he was doing."

Then HE looks at me like I am crazy, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay."

What? Okay? Uhhh...

He calls G over to him and asks, "Did you have your penis out of your pants just now in the yard when you were eating your hotdog?"

G: "Yes sir."

Eric: "Okay."

I walk back outside to see him dismiss G and take a bit of his hotdog. That was it! This was the entire conversation!

That is when MY dog walks up and I see the wet streak(s) down her back and it all begins to make sense...

I ask, "Did you just pee on Maggie?...Is that what you were doing in the middle of the yard?"

Again, with that look that screams my mom is an idiot, he proclaims he does not know! So, I give him the look as if HE is the idiot! (I know where he learned to perfect that look, and I am not going to deny it!)

Then Eric, who has grown slightly more interested in the situation now that pee is involved, questions, "G, did you or did you not pee on the dog?"

G: "I guess so."

No joke.

And then, as if it was slow motion, I picked up my hotdog to take my first bite and Maggie began to shake her wet self...

No joke.

I sat down my ruined hotdog and went inside to dry, disinfect myself, and text my family for discipline advice. (To which my brother replies when I ask how to deal with G..."Put his nose in it!")

After my cleansing I am talking to my mom in my bedroom on the phone about her new job as a reporter/photographer and wedding consultant (don't ask...this is an entirely different story) when G walks in with a brown mess on his face...I should have known better than to ask...

"G, what is all over your face?"

He replies matter-of-factly, "Poop." (And, my mother can serve as a witness to this... )

"Poop? ... No, really, what is on your face?" I quiz him again thinking that I MUST have heard wrong because there is no way that my 5-year-old has poop smeared all over his face.

G (nodding): "Poop."

My mom in the phone: "Ask him whose poop it is?" Of course! I want to know that!?!?

Me: "Whose poop is all over your face?"

G: "Roxy's" (The other dog.)

Right. Dog poop. Who would have guessed?

No joke!

And with that I decided to sit down and vent my frustrations with you all hoping to see the silver lining in the joke of a dinner. Oh, the joys of motherhood...

With that I am off...Ballerina just screamed that she peed her panties.

Joy...